Am I On A Path To Self Destructiin?

Not 12 months ago I looked OK. Happy enough in a bathing suit, one piece of course. I always felt I looked good as I sashayed out the door, whether it was to work, or for dinner or even to look after my grand babies. But, during the last 6-8 months all I do is eat. I eat all the time. And I eat badly. The worst possible foods imaginable. Bread, lots of bread, slathered in butter, chocolates, biscuits, cheese, cake, nuts and fruit. It all gets shoved into my mouth. Every night I say to myself as I get out of the shower and look in the mirror in absolute horror, tomorrow you stop this. You are disgusting, you just stop and yet I do not. I have even taken food from the fridge at work. What the hell is wrong with me. Nothing to horrid, just a piece of bread to slather more butter on when I have run out and I do go find the person and tell them what I have done and offer to replace it but seriously, I’ve already eaten it what on earth are they going to do or say.

Most of the time I am not even hungry when I eat and I  don’t even enjoy it, so why do I keep doing it, Is it a path to self destruction, do I really loathe who I am so much that I keep doing it. I see my reflection in shop windows and it upsets me so much but nothing changes, I keep on eating. My clothes do not fit me any more and I am reduced to wearing elastic waisted pants and over sized shirts as all my lovely clothes no longer fit. I feel disgusting and I look fat.

For gods sake wake up and stop.

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